Surprisingly, it doesn’t hurt; the text that says “Who is
this?” takes me by surprise and I don’t know what to think.
I guess it’s time to let go. It took me two years to break though and get close to him, not knowing that he was trying to do the same with me all along. Two long years, two untrusting people trying to win each other over, yet not really knowing that person they thought they wanted so much. We became best friends; he’d talk me through my late-night panic attacks, I’d listen to him vent about his parents. We supported each other. We talked about everything that came into our minds and never got bored with each other.
The spring semester of my senior year came around, and with it came a fear of taking my time for granted. I wanted to appreciate everything in my life as I knew it, all the best things I would miss. He was at the top of the list and I resolved that I would never leave him behind, no matter what or who else would lay forgotten in my past. When I realized how much I cared and needed him, I finally stopped telling myself I didn’t want him as more than a best friend. I knew him so well, trusted him so much, and desperately hoped he felt the same. But in some ways he was still a mystery.
I’ve never been one to pursue a relationship with anyone, but I tried to subtly let him know how I felt. I wanted him to know even if he didn’t think of me the same way. I wanted to give it a try, because I knew that I would rather risk losing his friendship than remain just friends.
Our conversations took on new warmth, full of inside jokes and double entendres. He told me what “double entendre” means. He would say things that I didn’t know how to take because I knew how much I wanted him to mean them as more. I wanted it so badly that I was overly cautious. I didn’t let myself read into his words. Everything he said made my heart race.
One night in April, he started to tell me a story. It began with his childhood, the bad experiences of his early schooling. He told me about the steps that led his family to join my co-op, even though they lived two hours away from where we met. He told me about becoming friends with my cousin and best friend who were on his basketball team. He told me about his impression seeing me for the first time, the time after that, and the time after that. He told me that he knew, from the time we got to know each other as friends, that he intended to make us more if he could.
We were so happy. I couldn’t sleep that night. The way I felt about him was unlike anything I had felt in years.
The next month, I graduated from high school. I went to Kentucky to meet an online friend in person for the first time. I got my nose pierced. I missed him. I got back home and he took me on a date. I was nervous. We talked the way we always did, joked around, and made fun of the restaurant’s radio station. I couldn’t wait to see him again. June went by and we became open books to one another rather than mysteries. He said he fell in love with me, and I was afraid because I was beginning to realize he would get hurt.
I went to MAP in July. I spent a week in Kentucky, a week in Little rock, and two weeks in Louisiana. His mom found out about us and grounded him for three weeks. I had panic attacks because I was so dependent on him. It had probably been a year since I had gone even one week without talking to him. His mom talked to me like I was a child and asked me more questions than I would have been willing to put up with for anyone but him. Even so, being so far away and going so long without him made me want to distract myself. I was around other people and got other attention. My feelings started to fade.
We talked for one more week after he was grounded, then I realized it was time to let him know. I had thought everything would be the same after that, but I didn’t want them to be. I didn’t want to belong to him. I didn’t want to be tied down, to have a boyfriend two hours away when I went to college. Commitment was something I knew I couldn’t handle, even though I still felt strongly for him. He cried on the phone and asked if we could ever be more than friends again. I told him I couldn’t make any promises and not to plan on it. If it was supposed to happen later, it would, but I couldn’t commit.
During my first three weeks of college, I called him almost every day, telling him everything. I talked to him more than I talked to my family. He was still my best friend.
Somewhere along the line, we stopped talking and I didn’t notice. I somehow forgot he existed for a while. I visited home and spent time with a guy who I had liked three years before and began to like again. Thanksgiving break came around and I sent him a text to wish him a happy Thanksgiving and got no response. Suddenly I woke up to the fact that we hadn’t talked in weeks and that I didn’t even care. I didn’t miss him, I didn’t want him, and I felt guilty for that because I thought we had cared so much about each other.
I still feel guilty. Last night I sent him another text, and the response I got was “Who is this?” He has removed me from his life. My cousin knows more about his decisions than I do and I never thought we would be where we are. I can’t explain the remorse I feel because I know I hurt him. I know him too well; I know how he felt about me. He let me in after I took two years to earn his trust, only to be crushed because I apparently can’t be trusted. I meant everything I ever said to him. I believed every word. I never intended to leave him behind, and I apologized for that. I’ve done what I can do, and trying to mend our friendship would only cause more pain. My amends will be to let him go. I hope he can forgive me.
It’s time to let him go.
I guess it’s time to let go. It took me two years to break though and get close to him, not knowing that he was trying to do the same with me all along. Two long years, two untrusting people trying to win each other over, yet not really knowing that person they thought they wanted so much. We became best friends; he’d talk me through my late-night panic attacks, I’d listen to him vent about his parents. We supported each other. We talked about everything that came into our minds and never got bored with each other.
The spring semester of my senior year came around, and with it came a fear of taking my time for granted. I wanted to appreciate everything in my life as I knew it, all the best things I would miss. He was at the top of the list and I resolved that I would never leave him behind, no matter what or who else would lay forgotten in my past. When I realized how much I cared and needed him, I finally stopped telling myself I didn’t want him as more than a best friend. I knew him so well, trusted him so much, and desperately hoped he felt the same. But in some ways he was still a mystery.
I’ve never been one to pursue a relationship with anyone, but I tried to subtly let him know how I felt. I wanted him to know even if he didn’t think of me the same way. I wanted to give it a try, because I knew that I would rather risk losing his friendship than remain just friends.
Our conversations took on new warmth, full of inside jokes and double entendres. He told me what “double entendre” means. He would say things that I didn’t know how to take because I knew how much I wanted him to mean them as more. I wanted it so badly that I was overly cautious. I didn’t let myself read into his words. Everything he said made my heart race.
One night in April, he started to tell me a story. It began with his childhood, the bad experiences of his early schooling. He told me about the steps that led his family to join my co-op, even though they lived two hours away from where we met. He told me about becoming friends with my cousin and best friend who were on his basketball team. He told me about his impression seeing me for the first time, the time after that, and the time after that. He told me that he knew, from the time we got to know each other as friends, that he intended to make us more if he could.
We were so happy. I couldn’t sleep that night. The way I felt about him was unlike anything I had felt in years.
The next month, I graduated from high school. I went to Kentucky to meet an online friend in person for the first time. I got my nose pierced. I missed him. I got back home and he took me on a date. I was nervous. We talked the way we always did, joked around, and made fun of the restaurant’s radio station. I couldn’t wait to see him again. June went by and we became open books to one another rather than mysteries. He said he fell in love with me, and I was afraid because I was beginning to realize he would get hurt.
I went to MAP in July. I spent a week in Kentucky, a week in Little rock, and two weeks in Louisiana. His mom found out about us and grounded him for three weeks. I had panic attacks because I was so dependent on him. It had probably been a year since I had gone even one week without talking to him. His mom talked to me like I was a child and asked me more questions than I would have been willing to put up with for anyone but him. Even so, being so far away and going so long without him made me want to distract myself. I was around other people and got other attention. My feelings started to fade.
We talked for one more week after he was grounded, then I realized it was time to let him know. I had thought everything would be the same after that, but I didn’t want them to be. I didn’t want to belong to him. I didn’t want to be tied down, to have a boyfriend two hours away when I went to college. Commitment was something I knew I couldn’t handle, even though I still felt strongly for him. He cried on the phone and asked if we could ever be more than friends again. I told him I couldn’t make any promises and not to plan on it. If it was supposed to happen later, it would, but I couldn’t commit.
During my first three weeks of college, I called him almost every day, telling him everything. I talked to him more than I talked to my family. He was still my best friend.
Somewhere along the line, we stopped talking and I didn’t notice. I somehow forgot he existed for a while. I visited home and spent time with a guy who I had liked three years before and began to like again. Thanksgiving break came around and I sent him a text to wish him a happy Thanksgiving and got no response. Suddenly I woke up to the fact that we hadn’t talked in weeks and that I didn’t even care. I didn’t miss him, I didn’t want him, and I felt guilty for that because I thought we had cared so much about each other.
I still feel guilty. Last night I sent him another text, and the response I got was “Who is this?” He has removed me from his life. My cousin knows more about his decisions than I do and I never thought we would be where we are. I can’t explain the remorse I feel because I know I hurt him. I know him too well; I know how he felt about me. He let me in after I took two years to earn his trust, only to be crushed because I apparently can’t be trusted. I meant everything I ever said to him. I believed every word. I never intended to leave him behind, and I apologized for that. I’ve done what I can do, and trying to mend our friendship would only cause more pain. My amends will be to let him go. I hope he can forgive me.
It’s time to let him go.
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