Let there be light.

May I please live in a dream? I once forgot the importance of everything that wasn't tangible and solid because there was nothing else that could be depended upon inside my head. I took a pill to try to fix my insanity, but it didn't work and now I remember that I will never want to live in the real world.

The places where my mind wants to be are not the places I have been forcing it to go. I do not belong in a world of numbers and facts, but in the world of imagination, music, and writing, where happiness is bigger than worry. I want to take bubble baths and eat chocolate and talk about everything that comes to my mind. I want to hold a baby, comfort her to sleep, and be amazed by her wrinkled, beautiful, tiny, perfect face. I want to run with a big, energetic dog, to wrestle in a field and ignore the scratches that he unknowingly gives me in his enthusiasm to play. I want to nurse an orphaned calf into health, learn from a child how to love, and stop being afraid of all the things that try to haunt me.

I just want someone to get into my mind and pull out everything I can't express. Somewhere inside, I hide so much, even from myself. There is anger, pain, and fear buried within me that I am unable to exhume alone, and those are things I don't want to face.

(Taken from herewecollide.tumblr.com)

Not all of my mind is darkness, though. There are hope and joy and creativity somewhere, too.  There is truth among the twisted thoughts. There are orchids among the weeds. There is love to share if I can just break through the fear that blinds me. I sometimes focus on the darkness so much that I forget there is light in me, too. I am not lost. I am not dead. I am not without hope. 

I am tired, but I am not defeated yet. Not everything must be resolved for me to have peace. Not everything must be perfect for me to be content. Anxiety doesn't have to make my life stop and my grades suffer, because I have power that I sometimes forget. There is strength I do not know I have. There is a God who provides for me.There are people, there is music, there is sunshine. There are fountains and flowers and coloring books and nonsense. There are things I have to face, but I don't have to face them alone and I don't have to be so afraid. When the light shines on my fears, I realize that what looked like monsters in my closet were just pretty dresses wreathed in shadows. The light heals wounds with the truth, and there is light within me.

Sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall into place.

"She and I met back in the winter of 2009 at a party, and from there we hit it off. Looking back, we both could say we left behind who we were, but we never left behind one another. Even though we had very little time together, it felt amazing; I never knew I had missed her that much until I had her there with me.

Friends will come and go. It's our job as individuals to find those we can't live without, tell them how much they mean to us, and then never let them out of our lives. Without her, I dunno where I'd be. Honestly, I'm not thinking about that reality."

It's funny how I thought he meant the words he wrote about me. Looking back, I think he meant them as something more than I thought he did, and when he gave up on me, he shut me out for good.

It's funny how he could love someone for five years, help them through some of their hardest times, and then change his mind about them because of someone else's negative opinion and hurtful words.

It's funny how every time I walk by someone who smells like him, I remember so clearly when he started wearing that cologne and I complimented him every time he wore it. That was over two years ago now.

It's funny how I never even wanted anything more than friendship with him, yet he could still hurt me like this. I guess there are many forms of vulnerability and there is more than one part of my heart that should be guarded.

It's funny how my past is gone, even though I tried to cling to it with all my strength. It has been cut off, and I'm finally letting go and moving on. I'm letting go of all the people I never could give up before. It seems like I needed them to cut me off so that I could become attached to other, better people that God provides.

Friends will come and go, but no matter how much we think we can't live without someone, it's always possible. Sometimes it feels like they took part of us when they left, but we will adjust and our hearts will heal. If a person believes the words of someone else when you entrusted them with the truth, you need to find better friends, ones who actually love you. Friendship isn't about nice words, although that is one aspect of it, but it is about acceptance, commitment, and trust. I loved that boy, and I trusted him because he had given me so many reasons to in the past. What a shame that he didn't deserve it in the end. I am only thankful that I can still trust other people and the consequences of his actions don't carry over into my current relationships. This has only made me free to let other people in, to support other people and love them. In the end, I am thankful for this. In the end, I understand that friends come and go. We needed each other at one time, but that time is gone and it's okay. I'm okay.