Let there be light.

May I please live in a dream? I once forgot the importance of everything that wasn't tangible and solid because there was nothing else that could be depended upon inside my head. I took a pill to try to fix my insanity, but it didn't work and now I remember that I will never want to live in the real world.

The places where my mind wants to be are not the places I have been forcing it to go. I do not belong in a world of numbers and facts, but in the world of imagination, music, and writing, where happiness is bigger than worry. I want to take bubble baths and eat chocolate and talk about everything that comes to my mind. I want to hold a baby, comfort her to sleep, and be amazed by her wrinkled, beautiful, tiny, perfect face. I want to run with a big, energetic dog, to wrestle in a field and ignore the scratches that he unknowingly gives me in his enthusiasm to play. I want to nurse an orphaned calf into health, learn from a child how to love, and stop being afraid of all the things that try to haunt me.

I just want someone to get into my mind and pull out everything I can't express. Somewhere inside, I hide so much, even from myself. There is anger, pain, and fear buried within me that I am unable to exhume alone, and those are things I don't want to face.

(Taken from herewecollide.tumblr.com)

Not all of my mind is darkness, though. There are hope and joy and creativity somewhere, too.  There is truth among the twisted thoughts. There are orchids among the weeds. There is love to share if I can just break through the fear that blinds me. I sometimes focus on the darkness so much that I forget there is light in me, too. I am not lost. I am not dead. I am not without hope. 

I am tired, but I am not defeated yet. Not everything must be resolved for me to have peace. Not everything must be perfect for me to be content. Anxiety doesn't have to make my life stop and my grades suffer, because I have power that I sometimes forget. There is strength I do not know I have. There is a God who provides for me.There are people, there is music, there is sunshine. There are fountains and flowers and coloring books and nonsense. There are things I have to face, but I don't have to face them alone and I don't have to be so afraid. When the light shines on my fears, I realize that what looked like monsters in my closet were just pretty dresses wreathed in shadows. The light heals wounds with the truth, and there is light within me.