I Am Homesick.

I have three tests this week, and instead of studying like a responsible college student, right now I’m listening to Anberlin’s new album and allowing myself to feel more than I have in a while. Something about their music touches me because I can relate to every aspect of it, and really, it makes me feel understood. The transition to college has been much more difficult than I expected, even though everyone was telling me how different it would be. I knew it would be different, but I didn’t expect to be homesick. I didn’t expect to struggle with my classes. I didn’t expect to have to fight for time to do basic things I’ve always enjoyed. I haven’t read an entertaining book in months. I always have music playing, but I never really listen anymore. It’s just there in the background helping to calm my nerves along with the coffee I’ve become so dependent upon. My thoughts are constantly flying so quickly that I can’t write them by hand anymore. College is overwhelming after the easy life I’ve always had…and I never realized just how easy it was. I’m thankful that God led me to savor my last semester of high school and my last summer before college. I’m thankful that He gives me things to appreciate in life, like music and coffee and my amazing friends. I’m thankful that grades AREN’T the most important thing in life, even when I feel overwhelmed at the thought of messing them up. I’m thankful that I live less than two hours away from my home. I’m thankful for the cute, funny little squirrels on campus. I’m thankful for my cousin/RA/best friend, because I wouldn’t have made it this far so easily without her. I’m thankful for teachers who are willing to pray with me, to do anything necessary for me to learn what I need to learn, even when I don’t take advantage of that.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I was born for a simple, peaceful life. I’ve always known this, but half of one semester has reinforced just how deeply the country runs in my veins. I need to walk alone in bush-hogged pastures and hike through the woods with my dad. I need to watch Touched by an Angel with my mom while wrapped in my favorite quilt. I need to knit dish rags and scarves with my sisters while listening to Anberlin or Christmas music. I need to read and sing with my niece, to hold my nephew and watch them grow. I need either to go home or to somehow find the strength for eight years of academics so that I can finally begin my career. Even though I know I would love this job, I still somehow doubt it can be worth it.